I may have exaggerated or possibly lied in order to feel better about myself. Maybe we all do that at certain times of necessity in our lives. Create an unconscious lie that will possibly never be shared with anyone, ever. This lie will assist or develop an internal road for ones future thoughts about oneself. Its not always a good thing in the long run, but in the short term becomes a tree to grasp onto in the midst of what feels like a tsunami.
“To be human is to be whole, but to fail to see this wholeness.”
― Thomas Lloyd Qualls
I like disaster shows, and news reports. I find them riveting. When peoples lives are in the balance, when life is hanging by a thread, I cant look away. The school shooting at Columbine, 911, bombing of Baghdad, Desert Storm, the tsunami in Sri Lanka and Thailand, etc, etc. The manner in which news orgs chase after these stories means that more and more one just has to wait to see more real time life tragedies or miraculous salvations. The camera doesnt lie. If we can see it, we can depend on it.
I always told my self that I was a healthy person. Never had many physical illnesses in my teens or twenties. That set the lie rolling down the hill. The momentum carried it for years. It wasnt true though. An investigative report by any reputable news show would show what lay beneath the surface. 60 Minutes, Dateline, 20/20, would all be able to reveal the Depression, anxiety, addiction, unhealthy family relationships, stress induced mononucleosis, that plagued my body and mind. This was just my teens and twenties. I started to smoke on a whim at 28. Couldnt escape that addiction for 15 years.
My outer life was active. I enjoyed sports and physical activity of various types into my late 30s. Most of my relationships were very shallow including with my family of origin. No one really knew what I was really going through.
Men are really good at categorization. We divide our life up into parts. One here, one there, another over here and on and on. Experts at making our inner lives accessible to only the most tenacious investigator. Even our most intimate connections with other humans like spouses, parents and siblings rarely know the holistic machinations of our hearts and minds. Some might half jokingly say that there isnt much to uncover, pretty empty and simple to figure out the average man. “What you see is what you get.”
But, there is tons of interior life that is kept away from prying eyes. Even our own. Here you are now, you can write this down, take it to the bank:
“Men. are. deep.”
(Keep in mind this comes from an INFP-T)
But we can create a false reality about our lives and bury it in a vault never to be touched. This what I did regarding my general health. I categorized it into sections and did not let the sections interact and come together. If all the walls were ever taken down and the condition viewed “holistically…completely…inclusively…it may be too much to lift, to manage, to observe, to accept within the parameters of the categorical structure of the story of my health that I had created.
Fear.
Calling it a lie is maybe a little harsh. Its part of my story about myself. Stories change over time. They may stay rigid and immovable, impermeable and indestructable to the end of our brief time here. Or they may flex, bend, move with the flow of time, events, pain and tragedy. Its not like I havnt been given enough warnings, or clues, or information over the course of my life, but one can choose to remain asleep because it feels easier.
As I have been dealing with physical weakness in the last few days, thanks to some gall stones that have developed, I can see that I must finally embrace the truth of my health. Its the last step on a long journey.
The truth is that we are whole. I, or rather we exist as whole systems. Every part of us effects every other part. There is no separation between the parts of us. Mind, body, emotions, spirit. They all were designed or evolved to work together, in community.
And we are connected to each other, and to the earth and to the cosmos. There is no separation.
So. I will learn to lean into this truth fully. To live its truth.
To break down my mindset or categorization, compartmentalization.
To ask my wife and others for assistance in seeing better; seeing and living holistically.
To see and act holistically when making decisions on my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health.
To understand that family, community, neighbourhood, town, city, country, the whole world affects me and I effect the world.
We are one
“The original meaning of healing was “to make whole”. We can be healed of our separateness through our contact with something whole. We can know we are not separate from the whole, and we can know the universe through knowing ourselves.”
― Kabir Edmund Helminski,
Hope and Healing 